


Rivers and Roses (or - He Rather Would)

by majortom



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Character Study, lonely doctor, sad doctor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-05
Updated: 2015-06-05
Packaged: 2018-04-03 01:30:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4081318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/majortom/pseuds/majortom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thinking about two of the most important women in his life, and what he would do for each of them. Or perhaps more tellingly, what he wouldn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rivers and Roses (or - He Rather Would)

At the end of the day (so to speak), River went home.

Or back to jail. Whatever you want to call it.

And that was the best part. It's not that he didn't love having Rose around all the time. It was wonderful. But it was different than with River. He always felt nervous and a bit nauseous when he was apart from Rose. Worried if she was alright, if she was in danger or causing trouble he would have to fix. Or if she was at home, spending time with Jackie and Ricky and maybe changing her mind about travelling with him. And he didn't like to think about Rose not travelling with him, so he tried not to. It was always in the back of his mind, though, whether she was with him or not. Even if everything went perfectly. Even if no harm befell her and they confessed their love and lived happily for years and years, it couldn't last forever. It couldn't even last that long in his personal time line.

It was so hard, coming to terms with that. The Doctor could look at any point in time and tell if it was fixed or variable. If it was in flux or stable. How much it mattered in the course of time and the universe. But when he looked at her, it hurt. He was a Time Lord, after all. She was only a blip in the long line of companions he brought into the TARDIS. There were dozens before her, and would be a good many after her, too. But when he looked at her, her eyes, her hair, her smile...

He tried his hardest to forget how small she really was.

~~~~~

It's not fair, he thinks, how big River is. He can look at her and he can see she has her place in time. It's not as though it was her fault. He knows. She didn't choose this. She spent her childhood being brainwashed to kill someone. Not the most auspicious of beginnings. But still. If, somehow, it had been Rose... but no. That was impossible. Who knows how different Rose would be if she had been raised in River's place? It didn't stop him wondering, in the dark in the TARDIS, if somehow it could have been her anyway. If it had been Rose who was born with the time matrix in her DNA. If it had been Rose who had the ability to come and go in the universe just as he did. Like River. If, somehow, it could have been Rose he had the ability to spend the rest of his life with. But it wasn't.

He wonders if he would punch through to an alternate universe for River, and damn the consequences. He rather thinks he would.

~~~~~

 

"Hello, sweetie."

The Doctor smiled at the familiar voice. He had just picked up River floating outside the prison (she never got tired of her little stunts) and he had a very special outing planned. In his timeline, it was the first anniversary of their marriage.

"Hey!" He bounded over to the door and swept her into his arms. She looked perfect. Her hair had some elaborate jewels in it and her dress was breathtaking. "I was thinking we'd go to Cariablane in twenty-seven hundred and see the Chwanti dancers on the new year--"

"Already been."

"Oh. Right." He was a bit put off. "Well, it was lovely, wasn't it?"

"Yes, darling. Simply magical."

"Right. Er, that was my plan, though, and now I'm not quite sure--"

River laughed. "Silly Doctor." She gave him a quick kiss on the lips. "Let me take you out. It's _your_ first anniversary after all."

As she walked over to the TARDIS controls the Doctor couldn't help but ask, even knowing what the answer would be. "How did you know that?"

"Spoilers," was the reply. He joined her at the console and began flipping switches randomly with a rueful smile on his face.

~~~~~

The Doctor looked up as Rose walked into the control room. Her hair was still messy from her pillow and her jumper showed a thin strip of skin as she raised her hands above her head and yawned.

"Where we off to, today, Doctor?" she asked when she reached him. He controlled his impulse to brush her hair behind her ears.

"Oh, I don't know. How about we take in a Shakespearean play?"

"Really? Sounds posh. Shall I look for a royal dress in the wardrobe?"

"Well... I don't think that would go with the atmosphere. In Shakespeare's time, plays were more like... well, comedy shows I suppose. More of a lower-class passtime."

He could see her excited smile start to fade.

"Or," he said quickly. "We could take in an Italian opera, if you want to do something with fancy dress. Always lots of dukes and duchesses at those things."

Her eyes lit up again. "I do love being royalty for an evening."

"Italy it is. Shall we stop at that place in Belteguise for lunch?"

"That place with the fried mantis? Oh, you do love that little diner. Go on, then."

He felt her hand brush against his as she turned to walk back down the hall. As he watched her go, she tripped over a stair and nearly went to the ground. He quickly looked up at the monitor and tried to keep a grin from his face.

~~~~~

He feels so guilty, sometimes. For Katarina and Adric, who paid the ultimate price for traveling with him. For all the others who left his side because of all the pain and misery they saw. For Rose, for Donna. For River. Perhaps it's only because those three are much more recent, but it seems the guilt for them is stronger. Poor, brilliant Donna, cursed to never know how brilliant she is. Silly little Donna, always missing the story. Poor Rose, who only ever wanted to take care of him and be by his side. He could get her back; he always could have. Poor River, who died for him the first day he met her. Lonely River, living in a computer world forever and ever without him. She would tear apart all of time and space for him, as she proved the day he married her. He thought often of going to her. Perhaps he would at the end of his life. Take a journey back to the Library and save himself.

Assuming he wouldn't be killed first. When the Doctor was honest with himself, he didn't think he would make sure he got to the Library first. It was strange; realizing for the first time that he could spend the rest of his life with River, but she couldn't spend the rest of her life with him. Strange, and so, so guilty.

He wonders if he would go back to the Library if it was Rose, and damn the real universe. He rather thinks he would.

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully I'll get 'round to polishing this up and whatnot relatively soon. I'm trying to focus on my Fallout series at the moment, but I couldn't do anything until I got this out.


End file.
